Haven't updated this in a while...

As the title says, I haven't really been up to date with this blog. I've really gotten lazy and not feeling like writing in here, but now is an exception.

The past week was utter shit. It went by so slow, and all my homework, tests and quizzes hit me in the fucking head Thursday and Friday. The only good thing about it was that the weather was amazing. This week is supposed to have mixed weather, but I shall see. Hopefully it goes by fast because I'm finally seeing Overkill this Saturday! I remember counting down the days since they were in the hundreds. The weather there is supposed to be decent, but I just checked it now, so it may change.

This week hopefully won't be bad. The weather being shitty may or may not have an impact, but at least I don't have any huge homework projects or tests this week.

One thing I've been thinking about in my mind is relationships. I have never had a girlfriend before, and as pessimistic as this sounds, I've concluded that it's very improbable that I'll ever have one. This is entirely my fault. To sum it up, I basically used to be a try hard bitch the first 17 years of my life. It took me until the summer to realize that I shouldn't cry about everything and not care about what people think of me, which is what always got in the way of what's important. I sometimes wish that I could go back in time with my mindset now and change my future, bettering or making it worse, but now that I think about it, who I was back then made who I am now.

How does that have to do with relationships. Well obviously, no girl would want who I was back then, and me having short hair making me look like a pedophile terrorist didn't make me good looking at all. It didn't help that I was desperate for a girlfriend too. Now, I and many of my close friends have seen improvement in me altogether, and I've just dropped the need for a girlfriend. Why? I like being single to be honest, I like having money whenever I have it, and who knows what will happen if I do happen to find someone. It's a huge risk that I don't think I'm ready to take. But here are the big obstacles: I have incredibly high standards with women, and girls probably would not see anything with me.

My standards with women: I want someone I can talk to, someone that understands me and I can understand them, someone that won't judge me, but rather accept me for who I am. I don't want some dumb broad that uses her looks for attention and would try to just make me spend all my money on her. I don't want someone who drinks all the time, it's been a huge trend in what I've seen so far in women at college, and it's pretty disgusting in my opinion. Looks aren't everything, but I don't want some repulsive girl that doesn't take care of herself, is orange, or tries too hard to be good looking. Weird enough, being the music nerd that I am, I'd rather not want a girl that listens to metal, but something different. It'd be pretty boring now that I think about it. A girl that would go with me to metal concerts would be amazing too, but that is also very improbable with the other standards I have.

Now, onto me. I wear band shirts on a near daily basis, I'm cynical at times, I am very shy, I'm always listening to music, I listen to mostly metal, I tend to be alone a lot, I'm leaning towards the chubby side with my weight/appearance, and I'm not the best looking either. Maybe that's me just being very pessimistic and self conscious to an extent, but that's what I think. I have grown out my hair since the summer, and it's not long or anything, but I look better than I ever did before. I basically don't look like a pedophile terrorist anymore, which is good.

To sum it up, if I do find a woman to have a relationship, I'll be very surprised with myself. Girls may have liked me throughout my life, maybe now as well, but if I don't see some notification of that, I just think that girls think I'm repulsive. That may also be true. I think that girls see the opposite of who I am, but I've come to this: I'm not changing who I am for anyone. Even if who I am doesn't get me any girls whatsoever, I'm happy with who I am. I have very close friends and family that understand and accept who I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if I am alone at Northern now since some of my good friends here withdrew from the school, I'm still having a fun time. As long as I have my music, I'm in a whole other world where nothing else matters and I'm just having a good time.

If the surprising event that a relationship opportunity comes up with someone that can suit some of my standards, there is no way I'm letting it pass by. But until then, I will continue to enjoy life, even if it means being single. If there's anything I've learned from wasting away the first 17 years of my life playing video games and crying all day, it's to live life to it's fullest and never take it for granted. I do that now, and ever since the summer, I've been having a blast, even if some days or weeks just shit on me. The concerts I go to are a good way to relieve myself since I'm with people that share the same interests as me, and I continue to meet and reunite with new and awesome people there.

This is just something I wanted to get out. Maybe one day I'll find someone, but if I don't, I'm not letting it get in the way with my life. I'm lucky enough to be in college now and have an awesome family that loves me and supports my life and have great friends that accept me for who I am. I don't know what I'd do without these people, even if I don't see them throughout the week while I'm at college.

Looking back, I used to think of suicide and just bitch about how life sucks. Now, I love life and look forward to tomorrow everyday. I wake up every morning saying, "Today is going to be a good day," and even if I know something coming up that day is going to shit all over it, it's not getting to me and ruining my day.

I will end this with one of the many great quotes from one of the most talented and smartest musicians of all time.

"There are no limits, you are only limited by however far you want to be limited." - Chuck Schuldiner

Now Playing:
Artist: Warbringer
Song: Total War
Album: War Without End