Well, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. After feeling like shit for the entire last week, I was really hoping that this week would be so much better. Iced Earth was in town 2 days ago, some of my classes were to be canceled, and everything was just gonna go smooth. Oh was I wrong.
Sunday morning (September 19th) I woke up with horrible stomach ache. I thought it was just from eating too much at work the night before, so a couple trips to the bathroom would just flush it out and I'd feel better. I had planned to get a lot of stuff done that day, so I wanted to fix this as fast as possible. I didn't feel any better after, and later on, I began throwing up. After throwing up a few times, I just did what I could to sleep all day. I had no appetite at all, a horrible stomach ache, and later on that day, it spread to my appendix area. I thought that I should be going to the hospital, but I tried to make it through the night at home. I wasn't planning on going to school the next day for sure.
I woke up at 2 in the morning with the worst pain ever in the stomach and appendix area. I was moaning and attempting to sleep for 4 hours straight, when at 6 A.M. I decided that I needed to go to the hospital. My dad took me and later that morning I was given a CAT scan to see what was up with my stomach. Turns out I had appendicitis. Amazing. When I thought things couldn't get shittier for me, my entire Sunday was wasted, and I had to have my appendix removed and be in the hospital for another day. I also had tickets to Iced Earth the next day, so I couldn't go to that anymore. I also planned on visiting my friend at U of I this upcoming weekend, that's not happening either. All my plans were ruined.
The surgery went good, not like I could remember anything, but I was still in pain throughout the day. I was given a lot of painkillers throughout the day which helped me sleep, so that was good. My relatives came to visit me after the surgery throughout the afternoon which made me feel a lot better. I was supposed to leave Tuesday morning, but the surgeon had to check on me to make sure I was good to go. Of course, he was busy throughout the morning and day so I didn't get discharged from the hospital until 3 in the afternoon. I was in pain all that night, and walking is hard to do, but is becoming easier every day. But now, I can't really do anything. No working out, I don't have enough energy to go back to school yet, so I'm stuck at home all day doing nothing. How wonderful.
I contacted my teachers about quizzes and homework I missed and basically everything is all good. They extended my homework and I'm able to make up any quizzes I missed, so that's great. I have to go back on Friday to take a math exam, but I should be ready to go back by then anyway. Today I plan on getting an oil change for my car and possibly going to the mall to get out of the house. I'm feeling a lot better physically, so I'm able to do more things. By the first or second week of October I should be painless, right before my concert streak begins.
Emotionally, however, I'm feeling like shit. Again, right when I thought things couldn't get shittier, they did. I'm also coming to realize more things that I should have a long time ago. My relatives came all the way from DeKalb to see me in the hospital when they found out about it. Some of my friends found out about what happened, and only 3 of them asked me in some way if I was feeling better. I always knew that family will be with you the rest of your life, and that friends come and go, and every day I'm starting to lose more trust and hope in my friends. It's really becoming more evident that they don't give a shit about me, and I shouldn't be wasting my time with them. Again, I've gone out of my way and will do whatever to help them, but when it comes to me asking for one little thing, it's apparently not worth their time. None of them would want to hang out with me if it was just me and them, and I'm just there as a third wheel. We all planned on visiting a friend in Indiana in a couple weeks and going to a hog roast, but I don't think I'll be coming with. There's no point in me coming if none of them are going to interact with me, if anything they'll probably use me to drive them again and nothing more. I don't think that they would care if I didn't go anyway.
Again, September has been a very shitty month for me, and I really don't think that some freak miracle is gonna happen between now and the end of it that will make me change my mind otherwise. With all the shows I'm going to in October, and my cousin's wedding, I'm sure it will be an awesome month.
Now Playing:
Artist: MGMT
Song: Siberian Breaks
Album: Congratulations
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Let's try this again.
I would say that this is my first post in a long time, but that's a lie. I did have another post on August 17th, but I ended up deleting that for I don't know what reason, probably because I was insecure about it and didn't want anyone who actually does read this to see it. So I'm gonna try this again, and this time, I'm not deleting anything.
School started 2 weeks ago, and as excited as I was to be back, it started off very bad. I'm no longer staying in the dorms, I'm living with my grandparents who live about 5 to 10 minutes away from campus, depending on how stupid people are driving. I'm also lucky enough to park at a restaurant that my family owns just outside of campus for free. As great as saving $10,000 this year on not living in the dorms is, it's kind of a pain in the ass because all my stuff was right there in my room. If I forget anything, I need to go back to my grandparent's house, which is beyond aggravating at this point. Also, my grandparents aren't back from Greece yet, so I've pretty much had no food at all in the house, especially the first week. I was pretty much starving that first week. I've been having to eat at least one meal a day at my family's restaurant, which I feel bad about, but they're cool with it, so it's good I guess. My allergies also hit me recently, so I've been sneezing non stop since that happened. Of course I forgot my Zyrtec at home, 2 weeks in a row, so that pretty much gave me hell. Hopefully I'll remember next time. I was pretty much going through shit that entire first week, and of course, it only got worse. On the Friday of the first week, my laptop decided to stop booting up, so I had to give that to Apple for repair, and that was gone until today. I had to go the entire second week without my laptop, and believe me, it was torture. That's where I planned on doing all my homework and watching TV and stuff, and that was taken away from me for a week, and to make matters worse, one of the first weeks, where I need to set everything up for some of my classes. Basically, everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. At least I have my laptop back now, and my grandparents are coming back next weekend, so things will hopefully start to look up.
My classes aren't too bad, and my teachers are actually cool, so that's good too. As of now, my grades are actually pretty decent, so all I have to do is work hard and keep them up and I'll be good. I also met a few other people recently that all listen to metal, so hopefully I'll get to hang out with them more often. That's pretty much the only good things that have happened in the past 2 weeks, along with going out with some friends from last year. I think I'm going to do that again this upcoming Thursday, so it should be a good time.
Coming home every weekend is like a miracle for me, since it's so boring at college. Hanging out with friends here is cool, but I've been feeling bothered with that. About 2 years ago, I had to call out all my friends (on Facebook, of all fucking things) because they had been treating me like shit, and I was done taking it. It worked for a bit, but like most people, they just went back to their old habits. I really want to talk to at least one of them back here about it, but of course, I send out a mass text to the people here if they want to hang out or get dinner tonight, and none of them responded. It may be my paranoia talking, but I think they chose not to respond to my text. Again, I've always been the one who they have to treat like crap and ignore, and I don't understand why. One of the things I had in my last post that I deleted was accepting that my life is pretty much miserable and my future looks nothing short of lonely, and I'd have to say that this is one of the contributing factors. I don't do anything wrong, and I get shit for nothing. Thinking about it, if something happened to me, or if I was feeling down about myself, none of my "friends" would help me out or be there for me. I know that because the same thing happened back then, and it's happening now. I remember it clearly, none of them actually apologized to me for treating me like crap. I guess I'll have to accept that as well, along with a bunch of other bullshit in my life right now. All I really have is my family, and if I don't have that, I'll be alone. I'd really have no reason to live by then. No one else would want to support or help me. If I died, would anyone else care? I really don't think so. I'd honestly do anything to help out my "friends", but would they do the same for me?
I guess I'll have to let this pass by. Accepting that I'm going to be alone, miserable, and depressed really sucks, and it's really fucking with my mind, but nothing is proving me wrong about this otherwise. I don't think about suicide as often now because I know it would really affect my family, and them being sad is the last thing I want.
That's all I can really think of in the moment. My thoughts are just all scattered right now, and I'm basically in tears right now. Yes, I know this makes me sound like a baby or a pussy, but really, this is what I'm feeling right now and I need to let it out somehow. Nothing is good right now, everything about this is fucked. I'm really hoping that I feel better soon, but I don't know what it will take for that to happen.
Again, this is not getting deleted. If the right or wrong person sees it, whatever.
Now Playing
Artist: Ayreon
Song: Day Six: Childhood
Album: The Human Equation
School started 2 weeks ago, and as excited as I was to be back, it started off very bad. I'm no longer staying in the dorms, I'm living with my grandparents who live about 5 to 10 minutes away from campus, depending on how stupid people are driving. I'm also lucky enough to park at a restaurant that my family owns just outside of campus for free. As great as saving $10,000 this year on not living in the dorms is, it's kind of a pain in the ass because all my stuff was right there in my room. If I forget anything, I need to go back to my grandparent's house, which is beyond aggravating at this point. Also, my grandparents aren't back from Greece yet, so I've pretty much had no food at all in the house, especially the first week. I was pretty much starving that first week. I've been having to eat at least one meal a day at my family's restaurant, which I feel bad about, but they're cool with it, so it's good I guess. My allergies also hit me recently, so I've been sneezing non stop since that happened. Of course I forgot my Zyrtec at home, 2 weeks in a row, so that pretty much gave me hell. Hopefully I'll remember next time. I was pretty much going through shit that entire first week, and of course, it only got worse. On the Friday of the first week, my laptop decided to stop booting up, so I had to give that to Apple for repair, and that was gone until today. I had to go the entire second week without my laptop, and believe me, it was torture. That's where I planned on doing all my homework and watching TV and stuff, and that was taken away from me for a week, and to make matters worse, one of the first weeks, where I need to set everything up for some of my classes. Basically, everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. At least I have my laptop back now, and my grandparents are coming back next weekend, so things will hopefully start to look up.
My classes aren't too bad, and my teachers are actually cool, so that's good too. As of now, my grades are actually pretty decent, so all I have to do is work hard and keep them up and I'll be good. I also met a few other people recently that all listen to metal, so hopefully I'll get to hang out with them more often. That's pretty much the only good things that have happened in the past 2 weeks, along with going out with some friends from last year. I think I'm going to do that again this upcoming Thursday, so it should be a good time.
Coming home every weekend is like a miracle for me, since it's so boring at college. Hanging out with friends here is cool, but I've been feeling bothered with that. About 2 years ago, I had to call out all my friends (on Facebook, of all fucking things) because they had been treating me like shit, and I was done taking it. It worked for a bit, but like most people, they just went back to their old habits. I really want to talk to at least one of them back here about it, but of course, I send out a mass text to the people here if they want to hang out or get dinner tonight, and none of them responded. It may be my paranoia talking, but I think they chose not to respond to my text. Again, I've always been the one who they have to treat like crap and ignore, and I don't understand why. One of the things I had in my last post that I deleted was accepting that my life is pretty much miserable and my future looks nothing short of lonely, and I'd have to say that this is one of the contributing factors. I don't do anything wrong, and I get shit for nothing. Thinking about it, if something happened to me, or if I was feeling down about myself, none of my "friends" would help me out or be there for me. I know that because the same thing happened back then, and it's happening now. I remember it clearly, none of them actually apologized to me for treating me like crap. I guess I'll have to accept that as well, along with a bunch of other bullshit in my life right now. All I really have is my family, and if I don't have that, I'll be alone. I'd really have no reason to live by then. No one else would want to support or help me. If I died, would anyone else care? I really don't think so. I'd honestly do anything to help out my "friends", but would they do the same for me?
I guess I'll have to let this pass by. Accepting that I'm going to be alone, miserable, and depressed really sucks, and it's really fucking with my mind, but nothing is proving me wrong about this otherwise. I don't think about suicide as often now because I know it would really affect my family, and them being sad is the last thing I want.
That's all I can really think of in the moment. My thoughts are just all scattered right now, and I'm basically in tears right now. Yes, I know this makes me sound like a baby or a pussy, but really, this is what I'm feeling right now and I need to let it out somehow. Nothing is good right now, everything about this is fucked. I'm really hoping that I feel better soon, but I don't know what it will take for that to happen.
Again, this is not getting deleted. If the right or wrong person sees it, whatever.
Now Playing
Artist: Ayreon
Song: Day Six: Childhood
Album: The Human Equation
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