Let's try this again.

I would say that this is my first post in a long time, but that's a lie. I did have another post on August 17th, but I ended up deleting that for I don't know what reason, probably because I was insecure about it and didn't want anyone who actually does read this to see it. So I'm gonna try this again, and this time, I'm not deleting anything.

School started 2 weeks ago, and as excited as I was to be back, it started off very bad. I'm no longer staying in the dorms, I'm living with my grandparents who live about 5 to 10 minutes away from campus, depending on how stupid people are driving. I'm also lucky enough to park at a restaurant that my family owns just outside of campus for free. As great as saving $10,000 this year on not living in the dorms is, it's kind of a pain in the ass because all my stuff was right there in my room. If I forget anything, I need to go back to my grandparent's house, which is beyond aggravating at this point. Also, my grandparents aren't back from Greece yet, so I've pretty much had no food at all in the house, especially the first week. I was pretty much starving that first week. I've been having to eat at least one meal a day at my family's restaurant, which I feel bad about, but they're cool with it, so it's good I guess. My allergies also hit me recently, so I've been sneezing non stop since that happened. Of course I forgot my Zyrtec at home, 2 weeks in a row, so that pretty much gave me hell. Hopefully I'll remember next time. I was pretty much going through shit that entire first week, and of course, it only got worse. On the Friday of the first week, my laptop decided to stop booting up, so I had to give that to Apple for repair, and that was gone until today. I had to go the entire second week without my laptop, and believe me, it was torture. That's where I planned on doing all my homework and watching TV and stuff, and that was taken away from me for a week, and to make matters worse, one of the first weeks, where I need to set everything up for some of my classes. Basically, everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. At least I have my laptop back now, and my grandparents are coming back next weekend, so things will hopefully start to look up.

My classes aren't too bad, and my teachers are actually cool, so that's good too. As of now, my grades are actually pretty decent, so all I have to do is work hard and keep them up and I'll be good. I also met a few other people recently that all listen to metal, so hopefully I'll get to hang out with them more often. That's pretty much the only good things that have happened in the past 2 weeks, along with going out with some friends from last year. I think I'm going to do that again this upcoming Thursday, so it should be a good time.

Coming home every weekend is like a miracle for me, since it's so boring at college. Hanging out with friends here is cool, but I've been feeling bothered with that. About 2 years ago, I had to call out all my friends (on Facebook, of all fucking things) because they had been treating me like shit, and I was done taking it. It worked for a bit, but like most people, they just went back to their old habits. I really want to talk to at least one of them back here about it, but of course, I send out a mass text to the people here if they want to hang out or get dinner tonight, and none of them responded. It may be my paranoia talking, but I think they chose not to respond to my text. Again, I've always been the one who they have to treat like crap and ignore, and I don't understand why. One of the things I had in my last post that I deleted was accepting that my life is pretty much miserable and my future looks nothing short of lonely, and I'd have to say that this is one of the contributing factors. I don't do anything wrong, and I get shit for nothing. Thinking about it, if something happened to me, or if I was feeling down about myself, none of my "friends" would help me out or be there for me. I know that because the same thing happened back then, and it's happening now. I remember it clearly, none of them actually apologized to me for treating me like crap. I guess I'll have to accept that as well, along with a bunch of other bullshit in my life right now. All I really have is my family, and if I don't have that, I'll be alone. I'd really have no reason to live by then. No one else would want to support or help me. If I died, would anyone else care? I really don't think so. I'd honestly do anything to help out my "friends", but would they do the same for me?

I guess I'll have to let this pass by. Accepting that I'm going to be alone, miserable, and depressed really sucks, and it's really fucking with my mind, but nothing is proving me wrong about this otherwise. I don't think about suicide as often now because I know it would really affect my family, and them being sad is the last thing I want.

That's all I can really think of in the moment. My thoughts are just all scattered right now, and I'm basically in tears right now. Yes, I know this makes me sound like a baby or a pussy, but really, this is what I'm feeling right now and I need to let it out somehow. Nothing is good right now, everything about this is fucked. I'm really hoping that I feel better soon, but I don't know what it will take for that to happen.

Again, this is not getting deleted. If the right or wrong person sees it, whatever.

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Artist: Ayreon
Song: Day Six: Childhood
Album: The Human Equation