Happy fucking new year.

I'm writing this with mixed emotions and feelings in me right now. I really don't know how to structure this, since a bunch of shit is running through my head, so I guess the best thing I can do is think as I write.

I've been trying to sleep for about an hour now and I just can't. These thoughts keep coming to me and keep me up thinking, what did I do and how did I end up as the fuck up I am... I've had and got nobody in life, I'm contemplating killing myself more and more every day and I don't have anything to live for. I keep trying to convince myself to keep going since there's a lot more to live for like concerts and new experiences, but to push through all the torment to get to them is harder than it seems. I really want to talk to somebody about this but I know no one will listen. I try telling my family but they keep telling me the same unconvincing crap every time, and it just doesn't get to me. It's definitely NOT normal that I've been thinking of suicide since the 3rd grade, as far as I can remember. In all honesty, this is a fucking horrible start to the new year. First day of 2011 and I'm already in tears and depressed. I don't understand what is wrong with me. Why was I born this way, why do I act the way I do now? How did I get to be such a despised person that no one would give a shit about? I really don't know what else to say here... I'm gonna do something I never do and post a status on facebook pertaining to this, just to see if anyone would pay attention or have the slightest bit of care for me. I highly doubt I'll get any serious responses, if any, but whatever, at this point, I don't give a shit anymore.

All this time I've been hoping for something to come across me to change my perspective on these situations, but I know that sounds way too good to be true. Nothing will make me truly happy, and I'll just be alone my whole life. I came into this world a loser and I'm going to die a loser. I'm just that pathetic. If anyone actually does come across this, let it be known that this could make you feel better about yourself, since no one is as much of a loser and a fuck up as me. I don't know why someone would be wasting their time reading this garbage, but I just wanted to make a statement about it.

That's all I can think of right now. I'm gonna attempt to sleep again, probably listen to Devin Townsend as well, since his music is what helps me through these shitty times. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.